Thoughts on Marriage

Now I know we've only been married about 2 1/2 years, so it's not like we can go around dispensing loads of wisdom about married life, but I was thinking last week about something particular that I feel is one of the keys to a good marriage. To put it in a nutshell:

Your spouse deserves just as much common courtesy as anyone else.

This may seem axiomatic, but for those of you out there who have ever been married, you know how elusive common courtesy can be in a long-term relationship. It's so easy to take your partner for granted because they're always there - and often in your way.

As easy as it is to think of your spouse solely in terms of his or her relationship to you, it is so important to remember that he or she is also an independent person; and just because you are committed to be with each other, this does not mean you can treat each other worse than you would other people. Spouses have just as much of a right to personal space, privacy, politeness, kindness, compliments, etc. as anyone else: in short, they have a right to common courtesy.

I can already feel myself slipping into that mode of taking Mike for granted. Once the novelty wears off, you're not going to be constantly aware of how lucky you are to be with your spouse like you were when you were dating. Personally, I think marriage is way better than dating because your lives become intertwined in a much more concrete way and you feel that constant comfort and companionship of daily sharing life together. But I have been thinking recently about how if you don't cultivate treating each other with common courtesy, you will slowly drain your spouse's reserves of goodwill until they can no longer help but take offense at how they are treated.

No Shampoo Update

Well, it was about three weeks ago that I decided to go off shampoo and use baking soda and apple cider vinegar to clean my hair, mainly motivated by the desire to save money. Over a year ago, Mike and I decided to switch to natural, non-toxic products when it comes to anything that would touch our skin or that we would breathe in: household cleaning products, air freshener, deodorant, shampoo/conditioner, soap, etc. Switching to natural products like baking soda, vinegar, salt, lemons, and borax has revolutionized the way we clean our apartment and it's so much cheaper! However, for the last year, we have been spending $6 a bottle for Nature's Gate shampoo and conditioner. It smells wonderful, but can be hard to fit into a weekly budget sometimes. Hence my excitement at finding out that you can also clean your hair with cheaper, natural products.

When you think about it, it makes so much sense. For thousands of years, no one ever used shampoo - it didn't exist. Why? Because our hair doesn't normally get that dirty and water is usually more than enough to get dirt or dust out. Why do most of us use shampoo? Because our hair gets greasy. And why does it get greasy? Because we use shampoo, which strips our hair of its natural oils. It's only when you regularly strip your hair of its natural oils that your head goes nuts trying to replenish that oil by producing more than it normally would. Which makes your head greasy. Which makes you reach for the shampoo bottle. What I didn't realize is that the hair's natural oil (sebum) is essentially naturally produced hair product. This is why old-fashioned women always brushed their hair a lot: because it distributes the hair's natural oils to the rest of the hair, making it sleek and shiny (I remember reading in the Betsy-Tacy books how Betsy would brush her hair with 100 strokes per night but never understood why).

Before going any further, here is my preliminary report: my hair feels fresher, cleaner, and silkier than it ever has, and I don't need hair product anymore! My hair now looks the same with zero product as it did when I was using Aveda's Be Curly product before ($18 plus tax). More money saved! However, I am still working out the kinks for my specific hair type. This is what I have learned so far:

• Baking soda can actually be kind of harsh on your hair and can dry it out unnecessarily. I am seeing this in my own hair, since it is more fine and delicate. After doing some more research online, I am realizing that I probably don't need to use baking soda at all, but can probably get away with just apple cider vinegar (2 Tablespoons to 2 cups of water).
• It's really key that you thoroughly massage your scalp with water while in the shower in order to break up the sebum. We're so used to being lazy hair-washers because the chemicals in shampoo do all the hard work for us, but without those chemicals, we need to actually get in there and do the work ourselves. I am positive this is why going off shampoo before did not work for me. I wasn't breaking up the sebum, and so it just built up and my hair got super greasy.
• So, to recap, for my fine, wavy hair, my shower routine needs to be massaging my scalp really well with water, and then doing an apple cider vinegar rinse (this is optional I think, but it feels really nice).
• Then, for the second (or third) days, I need to brush my hair through a lot with a boar bristle brush, which will not only take out any dust, but will also redistribute the sebum from the top of my head to the rest of my hair.

For a final recap, then, going without shampoo has been really great so far. My hair feels healthier, silkier, and shinier and I don't need to use any product anymore when I get out of the shower. However, the baking soda is making my hair too dry and brittle, and I am going to stop using it and switch to a new routine: massaging my scalp really well with water, using an apple cider vinegar rinse, letting my hair air dry (you can't blow dry your hair if you go off shampoo - it doesn't work at all), and brushing my hair thoroughly with a boar bristle hairbrush until I get it wet again. I promise to write another update in a few weeks to report on how this is going.

If you are thinking about doing this yourself, you'll want to do some research online, where there is detailed information on the different methods you can use. And you have to be prepared for a transition phase of greasier hair that can last up to several weeks. Going off shampoo is not for the faint of heart, but I'm determined to work out the kinks, wait out the transition phase, and reap the benefits in the end!

2013 Update: As it turns out, washing my hair with baking soda and/or vinegar was working so well because we had very soft water where we lived. Once we moved, our water was harder and we didn't have access to the water tank to add softener. So, I'm back to using normal shampoo and conditioner, although I look for ones made with more natural ingredients and no parabens. It was great to do while I could though, and it saved us a ton of money at a time when we were counting every penny.

Belle Campbell

Mike and I are in Vermont this weekend for the 4th of July and I spent a couple hours today going through the papers and things of an elderly relative that my in-laws are trying to sift through and organize. Among the most exciting finds of the day were:

An original newspaper from the day in 1918 that World War I officially ended. We looked through the whole newspaper, which was quite a treat (I especially loved the advertisements, which included home remedies for darkening gray hair and a miracle supplement for "thin women" to gain weight - how times have changed!). I was also thrilled to find a family ancestor's accounts ledger from 1838 written in beautiful penmanship recounting such purchases as bed ticking, calico, tobacco, nails, allum, sheeting, and a spelling book and primer. It seemed straight out of Little House on the Prairie! Other items of note were a leather woman's wallet from 1900 which rather mysteriously included a Chinese coin, a piece of paper with Chinese characters, and an old key, and we also stumbled across a piece of Scottish handwoven linen made in 1820. My fascination for old things was completely indulged in today!

But the most incredible find of the day was found tucked into a "Bridal Book" belonging to a James Coburn and his wife Belle Campbell when they were married in 1902. Apparently, Belle died only four years after the wedding at the age of 34 and tucked into the book along with her obituary from the newspaper was a tribute written by her husband upon her death. I have never read anything like it and found it so moving I wanted to share it. Here is the text in full with commas added here and there to help the flow:

Nov 18. 1906

Tribute to my wife's memory

My wife passed from this life Aug. 26 1906 at the age of 34 years after an illness of three months.
I first saw her at an entertainment in Aug. 1900, soon after met and loved her, and we were married June 26. 1902.
She was slender and beautiful and girlish and she was both girl and woman. She remained both girl and woman to the last day of her life.
Under a grave and gentle exterior burned inextinguishable fires of sympathy, energy, and Christian devotion. She had absolutely limitless affection and seemed possessed of a spirit almost divine.
She was loved by all who knew her and exerted an influence for good where ever she went. but it was evident she was not long for this world.
Perfect truth, perfect honesty, perfect candor were qualities of her character which were born with her. I have compared and contrasted her with hundreds of persons and my conviction remains that she was the most perfect character I ever met. And I may add that she was the most winningly dignified person I have ever know.
Her character and disposition were of the sort that not only invites worship, but commands it. During the four years that we spent in building up a business and finally losing all, she was always cheerful and she was always able to reason me out of my despair and find a bright side to the clouds, and make me see it. In all that time I never knew her to utter a word of regret concerning our circumstances.
She had the heartfree laugh of a girl and when it broke upon the ear it was as inspiring as music.
The last words she uttered before she died were to her God and her husband.
"Thy will be done and my dear sweetheart."

Flying Food

As most of you are aware, food is no longer provided on domestic flights in the US (small bags of peanuts do not count as food!). So, along with having to chuck all liquids before going through security, taking off our shoes, belts, and watches and possibly getting a pat down, we are rewarded for our pains by overpriced airport water bottles (I paid $1.79 in Boston and $1.99 in Seattle) and the choice of buying a deli sandwich for $7 or bringing our own food.

I have been the first in line to whine about the removal of on-flight meals right from the start, but I am coming to realize that the absence of sub-par plane food can actually be a blessing in disguise. For, if memory serves me correctly, plane food was disgusting. For some reason, I always looked forward to plane food; maybe it was all the cute little compartments and the hope of a chewy brownie square. Instead, I usually got mushy rice and vegetables or some sort of sandwich with bread that was either rye and pumpernickel (yuck) or had the consistency of cardboard. In short, plane food was always disappointing.

However, on this trip, I had a brain wave. For the late night trip to Seattle from Boston I brought a small log of Chevre Goat Cheese (you can get perfect airplane sizes at Trader Joe's for $2.50; I popped mine in a small tupperware container), water crackers, and cucumber sticks. It wasn't too heavy for late night snacking, but was very satisfying. I could also dip both the crackers and the cucumber in the Chevre, so no utensils were necessary. The tang of the Chevre was quite refreshing along with the juiciness of the cucumber and the crunch of the water crackers, and I felt like I was having a treat that I would only normally get to experience when we have company over.

For the trip back to Boston, I went back to Trader Joe's and bought herbed Chevre (Chevre covered in chopped fresh herbs), Multigrain/Flaxseed water crackers (better than they sound!) and packed those along with cucumber spears, hardboiled eggs, large green Spanish olives, pickles, grapes, apples, and cookies. While my row-mate ate her Caesar Salad that she probably overpaid for in the airport, I felt like I was on a picnic as I nibbled on the food throughout the day. Combine that with a hot cup of tea on my layover at JFK with my Earl Grey teabag that I brought myself (along with free lemon wedges from the airport bar), and I felt both sustained and refreshed despite fighting a stomach bug and going off of 3 hours sleep.

So, all that to say, I'm not missing plane food anymore and plan to use my winning combination of Chevre, crackers, and other picnic fare on my next plane ride. I'm almost looking forward to it!